My youngest man skipped out of preschool this morning and proudly handed me a picture he’d drawn.
“Here mum, I made this for you,” he told me.
“Awww, thanks my lovely boy,” I said back, glancing briefly at it.
“It’s of you mummy.”
“Is it darling,” I answered looking more closely at his art work. “Well, look at me. You did a fab job.”
“Do you like it mum?” he asked.
“Of course I do. I love it.”
“Know what you’re doing?” he asked me kind of coyly.
“It looks like I’m in a box. Is that what I’m doing?”
What he said next caught me completely off guard.
“No, mummy. I’ve drawn you in your own house.”
*pauses for dramatic effect*
Those of you who know my personal situation with regards my home will get how my wee boy’s picture affected me.
Cue the sobs.
I didn’t think I was quite so hippy.
For the past couple of weeks I’ve been feeling a strange mix of emotions.
Highs and lows.
Ups and downs.
But, then I hear filing for divorce does that to a person.
The worst feeling I have, besides sadness for my children, is that of unbelievable failure.
Because I hate to fail at anything.
Which was probably part of the problem. My whole Virgo/perfectionist/ “failure is not an option” attitude needs a bitch slapping, I think. I must really try to do better at recognising when something isn’t good for me and let it the fuck go rather than hanging on to it with a death grip.
A friend told me not to look at my divorce as a failure because I didn’t fail. I gave him and us a good portion of my life and I have three gorgeous boys to show for it.
So, yes … I’ve joined the likes of Russell & Katy, Seal & Heidi, Kim & What’s His Face and officially filed for divorce post-Christmas. Maybe it’s something to do with all that turkey and sherry and Christmas cake.
Or, it could be that it’s a time of year when you’re bombarded with messages of love and happiness. Messages that can intensify all that you feel is missing in your own life. Especially after you open a present on Christmas morning to find you’ve been given a mixer.
Now, what was I saying about letting it go?